I think a lot about time. My time. The time I have left with my kids at home. The time I get to spend with the people I love. The time when I am not intentional, and the guilt starts to creep in. How time is our only non-renewable resource. I often ask myself if I am best using my precious time resource.
If you’ve read my blogs for any amount of time (pun intended), you know I feel calm when I have an orderly calendar, when I can see my ideal week play out with intention. Not everyone is as laser-focused on managing their time and obsessively saying “no” as I am. However, if I’m being honest, if I don’t stay focused on managing my time, I end up in a spiral of overwhelm because I’ve said yes to too many things (with good intentions), and my calendar looks like other people’s priorities. Where am I going with this? Today, I want to teach you how to say no easily and gracefully!
The Mindset of Saying No
Saying no starts with mindset. It starts with deeply confronting your value of time and identifying your highest use of that time and how you want to spend it. For example, sleep is one of my highest priorities. If I say yes to an evening activity, I am essentially saying no to the sleep I know I need and desire. I must ask myself if this “yes” is worth the reduced sleep. It might be, but we know that something gives every time we say “yes,” whether it’s time with family, sleep, your health, or a work task that gets pushed. Once I deeply understood that there is a “no” on every flip-side of the “yes,” it became easier to say “no.”
Saying No Without Guilt
The ebbs and flows of life create opportunities when we are really good and really bad at managing our time. What is important is that we recognize when we see the cliff's edge and have the tools to walk a few steps back. In 2018, I did a short 9-minute Facebook Live about saying no and how other peoples’ priorities can creep into your calendar. I talked about reducing that sense of obligation to everyone else and being content and proud of your “no.” To say that I have been obsessed with this topic is an understatement. Saying “no” without the guilt might be my superpower.
If you are wondering how you leave the guilt behind, I found this passage from Patti Breitman and Connie Hatch in their book, How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty so insightful:
“Out of guilt or fear of confrontation, we take on more projects, invest in someone else’s priorities . . . In the process, we dissipate our most valuable personal resources—time, energy, and money—on things that aren't important to us. Each time we agree to something without enthusiasm for interest, we waste a little more of these precious resources.”
Now, let’s turn that around. Every time we say “no” to something unimportant, we are saying “yes” to something that is, whether that be our work, our relationships, our resources, our margin. And don’t we all want to live in our yesses?
Today, I hope to help you recognize when you are overcommitted and give you the tools to help you manage your time and say “no” to commitments that are not your highest priority so that you can say “yes” to what matters most to you in your season of life.
Without further delay, let’s dive into some tactical tips on saying “no” to protect our time for our highest priorities.
How I Learned to Say No
In 2019, I read a Forbes article that validated this obsession with saying no with ease and grace. The article was focused on a rejection email the author received. The message, written by a team member, respectfully declined the author's request in the most masterful way of setting boundaries. Essentially, the article highlights key takeaways: responding promptly, personalizing the message, aligning with personal priorities, avoiding the word "no" explicitly, maintaining a friendly tone, and leaving the door open for future communication.
I’ve since used this framework, sometimes mixed with others mentioned below, to craft my own authentic “say no messaging.” I found that when I was prepared with the “no,” it was much easier to say. Frequently, we get the same requests, so if it’s volunteering for a child’s school activity, going to a happy hour, a girls’ night, or a coffee date, we all have a sense as to what requests we get the most, and we can tailor the messaging appropriately.
Fast forward to 2021, when people were gleefully re-emerging from the pandemic cocoons, we found ourselves with an abundance of requests for coffee dates and opportunities for in-person gatherings. This was a time to reset our time boundaries once again. Luckily, I came across an article in the Harvard Business Review about just that - saying “no” to grabbing coffee. This was more proof that we can and should say “no.” Like the Forbes article from two years earlier, it also suggested you consider how you want to spend your time before those requests on your time come in and then create a template response that you can personalize for each request. So, how do we make that template response?
How to Start Saying No
In both of these articles, there are a few things in common when writing that template response where you say “no” to the request of your time. Before we dive into the template, I want to note that it is vital that the response should be authentic to you, timely, and personalized. However, it is not required that your response come directly from you. This can be a response delegated to a staff member in the work context, especially if there is a template to follow.
Here are the three elements to your template response. Michael Hyatt refers to this as the Yes-No-Yes formula, which he learned from the book The Power of the Positive No.
First, acknowledge the person and the request by warmly validating the request. You can validate a request in a variety of ways; here are a few examples:
This opportunity sounds great; I am so excited for you.
I am so proud of you and can’t wait to see this project shine.
You are the perfect person for this role/opportunity, and (the organization) is lucky to have you in their corner.
Second, actually say “no.”
Don’t kick the can down the road. If you want to say no, just say no. Alternatively, if you want to polish it professionally, you can do this in different ways. The example in the 2019 Forbes article didn’t actually use the word no in her reply, she said via her staff who was responding:
“In order to honor her family, research, and teaching commitments, Brené is unable to take on any additional commitments or collaborations at this time.”
Similarly, in an interview with Michael Hyatt, he says:
“In order to be faithful to my other commitments, I’m afraid I’m going to have to say no to this.”
Both are kind and short responses. No excuses. No lengthy dialog!
Third, sign off with an encouraging word or a helpful resource if you can.
If you have nothing to offer them, leave them with words of encouragement or a helpful tip. For example, if it is a professional request and you have a helpful resource, you can attach it to the email.
Just remember, if you do not intend to support them in any tangible way, it is appropriate to say that you will be cheering them on from the sidelines and wish them much success.
However, what happens when you want to offer a portion more of your time, but not in the confines of the request?
Something that hit home for me was the idea that I can suggest an alternate way of connection. Let me give you three examples of this:
Example #1:
First, if someone requests assistance in planning an event, but it isn’t within your boundaries, you can say you are excited to support them at the event as an attendee/donator/social sharer. Here is what that could look like:
“Thanks for reaching out. Your xyz program/event/opportunity sounds amazing. I know you will be an inspiration to so many. In order to honor my family and work commitments and authentically live out my Intentional Margins, I am unable to take on any additional commitments at this time. I’d love to support you from the sidelines. When you get your tickets/donation link/social media post/etc., please pass it along.
Cheering you on,
Katie”
Example #2:
Another example is for those in-person “pick your brain” type requests, you can say something like “let’s jump on a call first and see if .....(your goal) aligns and if there is synergy.” Then if/when you meet, you can move past the “get to know you” and into more of the meat of the conversation - saving precious time!
Example #3:
A more personal example I use frequently is when I am requested to have a coffee date. One of the best things I did was consider my time in blocks of social connection time and work time. We know that social connection is the cornerstone to happiness. We also know we must invest in social connections for happiness and longevity. Therefore, it is important to me to invest in meaningful relationships with the people I love. That’s why I decided to set aside Fridays for socializing. That way, when I was working, I was all-in, and when I grabbed that cup of coffee, I was present and engaged.
So, when it comes to coffee date requests, I go two ways depending on the person. First, if it could be just a quick chat, I respond with a “Hey, it's likely I won’t have the capacity to leave the house that date to meet at a coffee shop, but I would be willing to jump on a video call.” Alternatively, if I wanted to connect in person, here is a real-life example of how this conversation would go down:
“Thanks for reaching out. It is so great to hear from you. I’d love to grab coffee with you. Unfortunately, due to my work and family commitments, I’m only doing coffee chats out of the house on Fridays so that I can be focused at work, and then when we meet, I can be present with you. Take a look at my calendar (insert calendar link) and see if there are any Fridays with a 1-hour time slot that align with your calendar.
Warmly,
Katie
P.S. I’m trying to move my body more, so if you are up for a walk-and-talk instead of a coffee shop, I’d be open to that too!”
This allows me to reduce the chatter of scheduling and leaves this open to the other person to finalize the details.
Navigating the Art of Saying "No": Protecting Your Time and Priorities
Mastering the art of saying "no" is not just about guarding your time—it's about honoring your values and prioritizing your mental health and well-being. Each "no" profoundly affirms your self-worth and a commitment to your priorities. Remember, if you're saying "yes" just because you fear disappointing others, you are inadvertently placing their opinions above your own needs. It's essential to reflect on how often you are truly saying "no" and to recognize that it is not only okay to do so, but necessary.
As you move forward, think about the cost of a "yes" that is driven by obligation rather than genuine desire or necessity. By choosing your yesses more wisely, you create more space for the things that truly matter—to thrive in your personal life, nurture your relationships, and meet your professional obligations without resentment. Let this be your guide: prioritize progress over perfection, and understand that saying "no" might just be the most powerful yes to yourself and your family.